Adolescence/Teens 22 Larry Minikes Adolescence/Teens 22 Larry Minikes

Perfectionists may be more prone to helicopter parenting

Parents with perfectionist tendencies may see their children's successes as a reflection on them.

September 16, 2020

Science Daily/University of Arizona

The negative effects of over-parenting on children are well documented, but less is known about why certain people become helicopter parents. A new study suggests perfectionism is one driver.

Perfectionists often have high standards, not only for themselves but for their children. Yet, in their quest for perfection, they might find themselves with a less-than-ideal label: helicopter parent.

So-called helicopter parents engage in what's known as "over-parenting" -- hovering over their young adult children and taking care of tasks that the children should be able to do themselves, such as cooking, cleaning or paying bills.

"Over-parenting is when you apply what we call developmentally inappropriate parenting or guidance structure for the child," said University of Arizona researcher Chris Segrin, who studies the parenting style.

"By developmentally inappropriate, we mean we're providing to the child that which the child could easily do him or herself. People who engage in over-parenting are not adjusting their parenting and letting the child have greater autonomy; they still want to control all the child's outcomes."

The negative effects of over-parenting are well documented. Researchers have found it can lead to psychological distress, narcissism, poor adjustment, alcohol and drug use, and a host of other behavioral problems in emerging adults ages 18 to 25.

Yet, far less is known about why certain people become helicopter parents in the first place.

In a new study, Segrin and co-authors Tricia Burke from Texas State University and Trevor Kauer from the University of Nebraska find that perfectionism might be one driver of over-parenting.

"Perfectionism is a psychological trait of wanting to be prefect, wanting success, wanting to have positive accolades that you can point to," said Segrin, professor and head of the UArizona Department of Communication in the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences.

Perfectionist parents may see their children's success as a reflection on them, Segrin said, and they may engage in over-parenting in an effort to achieve "perfect" results.

"They want to live vicariously through their children's achievements. They want to see their children achieve because it makes them look good," he said. "I'm not saying they don't care about their children; of course they do. But they measure their self-worth by the success of their children. That's the yardstick that they use to measure their own success as a parent."

Segrin and his collaborators conducted two studies looking at the link between perfectionism and over-parenting, the results of which are published together in the journal Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice.

In the first study, 302 parents of young adults were asked to rate a series of statements designed to measure their levels of engagement in over-parenting and their levels of perfectionism. In the second, the researchers surveyed 290 parent-young adult pairs. The young adults responded to statements designed to measure their perception of their parent's parenting style.

The findings from both studies confirmed that perfectionism is indeed associated with helicopter parenting.

'Anxious Parents' May Also be Prone to Helicoptering

It's important to understand what motivates over-parenting in order to determine how to intervene in the potentially harmful behavior, Segrin says.

"All the research thus far on helicopter parenting, or over-parenting, has focused on what are the outcomes for the children who are the recipients of over-parenting, and no one has been looking at who does this in the first place," he said. "We think knowing more about the motivations of the parents has important implications for understanding what happens to the children."

Although he doesn't specifically address it in the study, Segrin suspects that middle-aged moms and dads who grew up in the "self-esteem era" of the 1970s and 1980s might be especially prone to perfectionism that can lead to over-parenting. In that era, children's bad behavior was often blamed on low self-esteem, and the remedy for low self-esteem was lots of praise, Segrin said.

"We started giving kids trophies at the end of the season just for being on the team, not because they actually achieved anything," he said. "Fast-forward 35, 40 years and these people are now adults who have children who are entering into adulthood. They were raised in a culture of 'you're special, you're great, you're perfect,' and that fuels perfectionistic drives. 'If I really am special, if I really am great, then my kids better be special and great, too, or it means I'm not a good parent.'"

Perfectionism isn't the only characteristic that can lead to over-parenting. Previous research by Segrin showed there's also a link between over-parenting and its close cousin: anxious parenting.

Anxious parents tend to worry a lot and ruminate on bad things that could happen to their child, so they parent with risk aversion in mind, Segrin said. His previous work showed that parents who have many regrets in their own lives may engage in this type of parenting as they try to prevent their children from repeating similar mistakes.

Just because someone engages in anxious parenting doesn't mean they engage in over-parenting, but anxious parenting is "one of the ingredients in the over-parenting stew," Segrin said, adding that anxious parenting can sometimes lead to over-parenting.

More Moms Than Dads Fall in the Over-parenting Trap

The parents in the study were mostly moms, and there's an explanation for that, Segrin said.

"When we recruit young people into the study and ask them to get a parent to also fill out the survey for us, we let them pick the parent, with the understanding that they will naturally lead us to the helicopter parent among their parents," Segrin said. "The one who's super involved in the child's life is, of course, going to want to participate in the research project with their child. So, like a moth to the flame, these young adults draw us right to the parent who delivers the most over-parenting, and we're finding that it is the mothers, usually."

That's not to say that dads can't be helicopter parents. They certainly can and in some cases are, Segrin said, but it seems to be less common.

"We know that in our culture, for better or worse, women end up getting strapped with child-rearing responsibilities to a much greater extent than men, so it stands to reason that as the child matures and gets older, the mother sort of stays on board with that job," he said.

Segrin hopes his research illuminates the hazards of helicopter parenting, not only for the young adults on the receiving end, but the parents themselves.

For perfectionism-driven helicopter parents to change their ways, they first need to recognize their own value, independent of their children, Segrin said.

"I sometimes see, especially in mothers, that they define their whole universe as 'mother' -- not spouse, not wife, not worker, not hobbyist but 'mother.' I think those blurred boundaries between parent and child can be harmful to the psychological landscape of the parent," Segrin said. "We need the parents to realize they have some element of their own life -- whether it's their career, their personal relationships, their hobbies -- that's independent of their role as a parent, so they don't get caught up in this trap of wanting to just keep parenting their children until they're 40 years old."

Avoiding that trap is also important for the well-being of emerging adults, as a growing body of research shows.

"Parents need to learn to accept their children's own goals and give them the chance to explore," Segrin said. "Young adults need the room to go out and explore and find their own life and their own ambitions."

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/09/200916131032.htm

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Adolescence/Teens 19 Larry Minikes Adolescence/Teens 19 Larry Minikes

Helicopter parents and 'hothouse children' -- exploring the high stakes of family dynamics

November 18, 2019

Science Daily/West Virginia University

The phenomenon of helicopter parenting most often occurs in middle- to upper-class families where stakes are high for parents to be able to show off their children's success. Her research, which focuses on young adults 18- to 24- years-old, indicates that high helicopter parenting leads to 'low mastery, self-regulation and social competence.'

 

True helicopter parents talk a good game in making their actions all about their children, but according to one West Virginia University researcher, what they're doing is reaping -- and heaping -- the rewards for themselves.

 

Kristin Moilanen, associate professor of child development and family studies, said the phenomenon of helicopter parenting most often occurs in middle- to upper-class families where stakes are high for parents to be able to show off their children's success. Her research, which focuses on young adults 18- to 24- years-old, indicates that high helicopter parenting leads to "low mastery, self-regulation and social competence."

 

"Unfortunately, I think the term for those children is 'hothouse children,'" Moilanen said. "I think they've been raised to be these sort of delicate flowers under these very well-controlled conditions and -- just like a tropical plant -- they're vulnerable whenever those conditions are exceeded, which is a scary thought."

 

The college admissions scandal, which led to the arrest and incarceration of two Hollywood actresses who had bribed high-profile universities to admit their children by falsifying admissions test scores or outright lying about athletic abilities, might be the most currently-famous example of helicopter parenting gone wrong.

 

"Their stakes were different than, maybe for average people, but maybe [the fear was] they wouldn't have access to the spotlight or that the college wouldn't be prestigious enough, maybe that it wouldn't be in keeping with their lifestyle they were accustomed to," Moilanen said.

 

The motivation for "the right" college or university rounds out the helicopter parents' career guidance, for example, forcing a choice in medicine when the child may want to be an artist, she continued. Helicopter parenting, Moilanen said, isn't done for what the child wants; it can be done for what the parent wants for the child.

 

The dichotomy does more harm that just resentment toward an interfering parent. Moilanen said children take parents' repeated over-involvement in their decisions to heart, undermining their sense of self-concept and their ability to self-regulate.

 

Moilanen said when those students come to college, where their parents have a financial stake, they have struggles they don't necessarily know how to manage. Some of them handle the pressure with dangerous behaviors, including episodic drinking that they hide from their parents.

 

"It can get messy for those kids really fast," she said. "In a sense, they get caught between their parents' desires, even if [the child] knows what's best for themselves."

 

Moilanen said children might figure out problems on their own, but the parent swoops in before they have the opportunity to learn for themselves. Collateral side effects of the child's continued lack of autonomy could be heightened anxiety and internalizing problems, as well as leading to the belief that they are incapable of living independently and their outcomes are primarily shaped by external forces instead of their own decisions, the research said.

 

Moilanen noted that some children may need more oversight than others, and those situations vary from family-to-family and even from child-to-child within a family. Also, she said, "most kids turn out just fine and learn to 'adult' on their own."

 

There's no research yet that shows what kind of parents these "hothouse children" are or will be, Moilanen said.

 

"We do know that people tend to repeat the parenting that they receive, so I would say the chances are good that those children who were raised by helicopter parents would probably act in kind," she said.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/11/191118140319.htm

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Adolescence/Teens10 Larry Minikes Adolescence/Teens10 Larry Minikes

Helicopter parenting may negatively affect children's emotional well-being, behavior

Children with overcontrolling parents may later struggle to adjust in school and social environments

June 18, 2018

Science Daily/American Psychological Association

It's natural for parents to do whatever they can to keep their children safe and healthy, but children need space to learn and grow on their own, without Mom or Dad hovering over them, according to new research. The study found that overcontrolling parenting can negatively affect a child's ability to manage his or her emotions and behavior.

 

"Our research showed that children with helicopter parents may be less able to deal with the challenging demands of growing up, especially with navigating the complex school environment," said Nicole B. Perry, PhD, from the University of Minnesota, and lead author of the study. "Children who cannot regulate their emotions and behavior effectively are more likely to act out in the classroom, to have a harder time making friends and to struggle in school."

 

Children rely on caregivers for guidance and understanding of their emotions. They need parents who are sensitive to their needs, who recognize when they are capable of managing a situation and who will guide them when emotional situations become too challenging. This helps children develop the ability to handle challenging situations on their own as they grow up, and leads to better mental and physical health, healthier social relationships and academic success. Managing emotions and behavior are fundamental skills that all children need to learn and overcontrolling parenting can limits those opportunities, according to Perry.

 

The researchers followed the same 422 children over the course of eight years and assessed them at ages 2, 5 and 10, as part of a study of social and emotional development. Children in the study were predominantly white and African-American and from economically diverse backgrounds. Data were collected from observations of parent-child interactions, teacher-reported responses and self-reports from the 10-year-olds.

 

During the observations, the research team asked the parents and children to play as they would at home.

 

"Helicopter parenting behavior we saw included parents constantly guiding their child by telling him or her what to play with, how to play with a toy, how to clean up after playtime and being too strict or demanding," said Perry. "The kids reacted in a variety of ways. Some became defiant, others were apathetic and some showed frustration."

 

Overcontrolling parenting when a child was 2 was associated with poorer emotional and behavioral regulation at age 5, the researchers found. Conversely, the greater a child's emotional regulation at age 5, the less likely he or she was to have emotional problems and the more likely he or she was to have better social skills and be more productive in school at age 10. Similarly, by age 10, children with better impulse control were less likely to experience emotional and social problems and were more likely to do better in school.

 

"Children who developed the ability to effectively calm themselves during distressing situations and to conduct themselves appropriately had an easier time adjusting to the increasingly difficult demands of preadolescent school environments," said Perry. "Our findings underscore the importance of educating often well-intentioned parents about supporting children's autonomy with handling emotional challenges."

 

Perry suggested that parents can help their children learn to control their emotions and behavior by talking with them about how to understand their feelings and by explaining what behaviors may result from feeling certain emotions, as well as the consequences of different responses. Then parents can help their children identify positive coping strategies, like deep breathing, listening to music, coloring or retreating to a quiet space.

 

"Parents can also set good examples for their children by using positive coping strategies to manage their own emotions and behavior when upset," said Perry.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/06/180618102627.htm

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